


Neither Forgiveness Nor Forgetfulness

by solarpillar (solarwind)



Category: Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 05:18:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2535596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solarwind/pseuds/solarpillar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To forget isn't to forgive, after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Neither Forgiveness Nor Forgetfulness

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: PTSD. Also incest, maybe.

You thought yourself safe.

You've built your fortress, rose your walls, dug your hole. You thought you were ready.

You weren't. Of course you weren't.

For to forget isn't to forgive, after all, and he no longer forgets. You've imagined this day over and over, imagined what you would say to him, what he would say to you. You hoped he would forgive you, but you wished he would not, believed he would not, could not, because you do not believe yourself worthy of his forgiveness or your own forgiveness. Because you have never forgiven yourself, because you remember, vividly and painfully, that you are guilty and your crime was too great to bear. You are a murderer. You have killed the entire humanity when you killed him, for he was the only other person in the world for you. Others weren't for you. He was. And wasn't. Not the least because you've killed him.

You taste his saliva as he tastes yours. It was not strange to kiss brothers in his time, but this one is lingering, heavy, heavier than you could bear.

You thought yourself done for when he bites into your being. You've always feared oblivion, feared that your cultivation of self will be in vain, nothing but an act of shallow vanity to fade as you are erased and gone. You've learned to not fear death, but oblivion is far worse than death. You've feared, from the day you dabbled and dived into the study of demons and dark magics, that you would one day be eaten, life, body and soul. You've always tiptoed on the danger line, balancing your risks and profits, literally danced with the devils on battlefields, and there is no place that isn't a battlefield, isn't a place of murder, isn't a place of birth or hope or despair or flashbacks of your past that you can never escape from, of your sins and their sins and all the pains and hurts done, of smiles that you wish you could hold on forever only to see the very faces that once wore said smiles disappear from the trotting of time, and watch as your own smile twist and twist until you can no longer tell.

But he stopped. You want to hope, and do hope, but your fear is greater than your hope. You must look pathetic to him.

He sits on your belly, chewing on your curse like it's some kind of snack.

"We are good now," he says, chewing it harder, "we don't owe each other anything anymore, do we?"

You do not know how to answer. You look at him like he's a stranger.

"We've tormented each other long enough." 

You don't remember who said that line. You do remember that you both nodded.

He swallowed the curse. You watched as it burnt in his belly, imagined it glow like struggling ember, and then you don't feel it anymore.

You felt you were going to collapse.

You thought you were ready. You thought you were ready for his punishment should he not forgive you. You thought yourself ready for his forgiveness should he do. You thought yourself ready to begin your happiness long overdue. But here you are, reckoning past and done and finished, and you are still here, in one piece, not forgotten nor forgiven, not punished nor rewarded beyond the one request, sitting here like a fool, mute and empty and on the verge to burst from everything unsaid. He has taken you into his arms to comfort you, but this reminds you of his lambs and how he took them before slitting their throats and you pushed him away, screaming and panting as all of your past collapses on you.

Your curse had always anchored you, assured you, that this is the world and time you are living in and the world is just and fair and bad deeds were punished and you were being punished. It anchored you like a collar a chain a wall of prison in cold iron and snow and heat and endless seas that you could never cross by swimming. You needed no raft no boat no escape because this was what you deserved, this was what you wanted, this was what he wanted, would wanted if dead body could think and speak. He must have hated you, loathed you, cursed and condemned you because you wronged him, betrayed him, killed him murdered him. You did him wrong. This was your punishment. This was your payment. This was your logic and reason and what you've built your fortress and walls upon and now it's all coming down, louder than Babel and mute like his screams.

It's all coming down. Your sins, your past, your regret and guilt and remorse, your love and hate and obsession and prayers and curses. All ends here. Point. Period. Fin. Your tale has ended. In your mind they all converge like matters to a black hole and a black hole it becomes. Draws you in. There is no logic anymore.

He touches you again. He is naked under the sheets. The bare skin of his knee is touching yours.

There is no law anymore.

He urges you to sleep, and you are not sure if you would wake up. You can hear the chaos outside as the world, worlds, reshape themselves in the only way it has always known.

But you are not bleeding. Neither is him. You are not sure how your relationship has reshaped, outside the one way the world has always known.

You sleep, as wary as you always has been, in his arms, warm and safe and almost happy.

You barely hear him wish you a happy birthday. You are not sure which one. Your mind wondered, which one could it be, this body or this mind, but sleep was heavy, heavier than what you could resist at the moment.

As much as you know it might have been today. Birth had always been about coming into the world naked and vulnerable and hoping for the best.

He writes your own name on your being as a blessing.


End file.
